Looking In

It’s not hard to remember when I first fell in love with getting mail. When I was younger and my Dad ran a BBS there was a section in the forums to request penpals. I think it really started there. Then my best friend (who we’ll just call B) started getting letters from penpals all over. Back then I didn’t have a computer of my own, and I was never really online (it was my Dad’s toy after all) but B had lots of little booklets that came in her letters, about people searching for penpals. So she would pass those booklets to me, and I would eagerly write to anyone who I thought may write back. I remember trying to save up money for stamps, it was so exciting to me to receive something in the mail from someone I had never met before.

I can’t even remember how many penpals I must have had growing up. Close to 30, maybe even 50. Random people from all over the world who I had only brief encounters with through hand written letters. Between the ages of 14-17 I spent a lot of time writing to them. I even met one of them, D, in Oshawa. We lost touch once he was accepted to a music school in the US, and I still wonder from time to time what happened to him. We wrote back and forth for three years before eventually meeting.

I kept all of those letters in a binder (which I still have) and as I’ve grown up my love for getting (and sending) mail has not decreased at all. Which is why now I hang out on postcrossing, where I can send postcards all over the world and get them back, too. So far I’ve gotten three. One from Las Vegas, another from Japan, and one from Russia. I love the stamps that come on these little letters, and the beautiful artwork that is displayed on the front of each postcard. At the post office here they have postcards where the postage is already paid, and can be sent world wide. I’ve stocked up on a selection of those so that I can send them out when ever the urge strikes me. Every day I’m still awed by the sheer number of people out there in the world, and how unique and individual we all are. It’s great. I never want to lose that feeling.

This week is a pretty eventful week for me – it marks 2 months since I’ve started taking my anti-anxiety medication, and since I’ve started I’ve had maybe 2-3 panic attacks, instead of having them on almost a daily basis. I’m luckier then a lot of people, my anxiety issues stem from a chemical imbalance, and not from some deep psychological trama or anything like that. It just started suddenly, without any real warning. Thanks to my doctors I’ve been able to keep it mostly in check, which is a huge deal to me, because I hate not feeling like myself.

I’ve been making some pretty good progress on my 101 in 1001 too.

#54 Watch the complete series of a tv show – I finished (what’s out so far at least, and that counts) Trueblood! What an incredibly odd television show. I’ve never seen anything from HBO before, and not being a huge tv person to begin with, this was a very odd way to go. But I’m happy I did! I doubt I’ll ever REALLY want to watch that much tv, but at least now I can say I’ve finished watching something.

#61 Say yes to 10 situations where I’d normally say no – This one is SO hard for me to do. Slowly I’m getting them completed though. A friend asked me for a favour where I’d normally say no, and instead I didn’t even think about it and just said yes. It’s an odd (and freeing) feeling. I like it. Of course within reason.

My 101 in 1001 is 4% complete, that’s not a whole lot yet, but I’ll get there.

I still have my bad days (we all do) but I feel like I’m better at coping with them now. I feel like I can really be myself, and I love it.

Ok so I’ve been slacking a little with my 101 in 1001 updates, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still working on it! In fact I’ve got more progress to report!

#10 Watch 15 new movies: I watched Grave of the Fireflies (very sad movie but I didn’t cry) as well as Conan the Barbarian this weekend. I have a lot more on my list still, but I’m inching towards my 15 at a steady pace. Expect more next weekend!

#13 Exercise at least three times a week for the full 1001 days: I have been working on this pretty well. It helped that I had to walk down (and back up) 11 flights of stairs with my 30 pound cat a few days ago. We had a fire on the 14th floor (someone threw a cigarette off of their balcony and it landed on one below) and thankfully no one was hurt. The next day my legs didn’t feel to bad, but the day after that they were mighty stiff. I’ve been exercising at home and have been getting out frequently, which is nice.

#18 Get out at least once a week: This has been going well. I get out way more then I ever have before. I’m still not an exceptionally social creature, and I doubt I’ll ever enjoy crowds, but hey it’s a start.

#30 Stop drinking all pop for at least a year: Not a hard one for me, I don’t drink pop unless I have take out, or I go out, and it’s really easy to get something else that’s far better for me, or not get anything at all (if I’m ordering take out).

#54 Watch the complete series of a tv show: My mom lent me season one of TrueBlood, and I’ve been watching that. Of course I’m only on episode 5 so far, and I’ve stopped watching as real life has caught up to me, but it’s a start. Maybe I’ll make it all the way through. If not, there’s always legend of the seeker that I also started watching and never finished.

#85 Exchange 10 postcards through postcrossing: I’ve sent out 3 postcards so far, and I got my first one back tonight! I was excited to say the least. It came to me all the way from Tokyo! I’m eager to get more, and send out more. I’ll be doing that this weekend.

The rest of the goals I’m working on are all long term things that really don’t have anything of note to update so far. But as I get to them I’ll be sure to talk about them here!

I have such a great support group in place, it really makes me feel lucky. I hope I never lose that appreciation.

This is an email I got from my Mom this morning. Moe is their 5 month old kitten:

Oh, that reminds me whenever dad is eating his pistachios, Moe likes to chase the shells around the house and she even picks them up in her mouth and carries them around. Well, last night she had one that was stuck under their bed (the cute one I bought for Christmas, on the floor in the living room) and Moe was running around the living room with her bed on top of her. All you saw was the bed moving around the living room. It was hilarious. I finally had to take it off of her. The shell just wouldn’t come out from under it. Sorry, now I’ll get back to work.

I would have loved to have been there to see that. Hah!

It was brought to my attention on twitter this morning (not for the first time) that I’ve missed out on a large chunk of mainstream culture by not watching some pretty specific movies. I have a few personal reasons why I never watched these films growing up, and then of course after the age of 17 everything just became a blur of working and more working and well, life.

Normally, this wouldn’t be such a big deal – but lets face it, I am a self proclaimed geek and I don’t even get to hold that title since I’ve never seen some basic movies like Star Wars. So I’ve decided to host a couple of ‘geek marathon weekends’ for myself. I need some time to wind down while I deal with deadlines for work and it’s a good method to keep me sane. My only wish is that friends lived closer, so I could have this marathon with them.

So far on my list (in no particular order):

• Seven Pounds
• Conan The Barbarian
• Indiana Jones
• Knightriders
• Memento
• Star Wars, 5,6,1,2,3
• Star Trek
• Matrix
• Starfighter
• Raiders of the Lost Ark
• Excalibur
• Mad Max
• Big Trouble in Little China
• Blade Runner
• Young Frankenstein
• Ghostbusters
• Oceans 11 and 13
• Super Troopers
• Batman
• The Birdcage
• Monty Python and the Holy Grail
• History of the World part 1
• Blazing Saddles
• Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
• Gross Pointe Blank
• High Fidelity
• Alien (2001)
• A Clockwork Orange
• Pulp Fiction
• Kill Bill
• O Brother Where Art Thou?
• Thank you for Smoking
• Airplane
• Top Secret
• Real Genius
• Oldboy
• Let the Right One in
• Labyrinth
• A Very Long Engagement
• The Muppet Movie
• City of Lost Children
• Lola Rennte / Run Lola Run
• The Princess and the Warrior
• Grave of the Fireflies
• Planet of the Apes
• Soylent Green
• The Gods must be Crazy
• Clash of the Titans

There are probably more that I’ll add as I go on. Since one of my goals for 101 in 1001 was to watch 10 movies, this fits in perfectly. It was also quite fun to hear what everyone else enjoyed watching, while some seemed horrified that I’ve never seen these movies before. I wasn’t making it up, I have just never really been big on tv or movies before. Not all of these are older movies, and they’re certainly not all ‘geek’ movies, but they’re all movies I’ve never seen before (a lot of them I’ve never even heard of before).

If I’ve missed some, don’t hesitate to let me know. I’ll keep adding to the list. I’m looking forward to a different weekend for me, I’ve never had a movie marathon before, and I think it will be fun – if not really strange.

I decided this year with my new years resolutions that I’d try to be more ‘girlie’ and take better care of myself in those departments. Not that I took bad care of myself before, but I’ve never really been one to take care of things like skin (with lotions and what not) nails, and that sort of thing. I don’t wear make up, and I only own one bottle of perfume. I own two pairs of shoes and I’d much rather watch sports then go clothing shopping. My hair style has consisted of up or down, and I don’t own a blow dryer.

I’d like to change some of that, little by little. Working on my nails, using bath oils, and lotions for my skin. Taking better care of my feet (I don’t like to wear socks, so my feet tend to get ragged from walking around bare foot constantly, even in the winter) and all of those little things that women seem to do to ‘better’ themselves. I don’t think I’m an ugly woman by any means but I want to feel good about myself. I’ve been eating a lot better then normal (though I always typically eat well to begin with) and I’m feeling better health wise, I want to show that on the outside as well as the inside.

I never thought I’d actually have to go looking for advice on how to be a woman, it was all supposed to come naturally or something. When I say I don’t own any make up, I mean I don’t own ANY make up. Wait, does lip gloss count? In that case I do own some.

I have cucumber melon lotion for my hands and feet, I have sweet fruit smelling lotions for the shower, maybe it wouldn’t be too difficult for me to shave my legs more then once a week in the winter (no one SEES them!) and I could take better care of my nails (which are thin due to health issues so they break easily even though I tend to grow them nice and long). Just little tiny changes that I’d like to make for myself.

I doubt I’ll be one of those women who put on make up every time they leave the house (or some times even if they don’t leave) but I’d still like to at least be a woman, and not the tom boy I’ve turned into over the years. Just because I game doesn’t mean I’m not also in tune with those other organs that I possess. We’ll see how long this little ‘experiment’ lasts.

Well, I haven’t had my 101 in 1001 list at the forefront of my mind as much as I’d like, but on weekends when I have a little more free time then usual I do glance over it and see what I’ve been working on or what I’d like to work on next. This week, I completed two of my objectives, which I’m really happy about.

#57 Start a gallery for my photography online – http://picasaweb.google.com/Morrow.Stephanie.l? is where I decided to start my gallery, there are still a lot of images to be added, and I’d like to adjust and fix some, but it’s a start, and I’m happy with it. I enjoy having an online place to ’store’ my images, in case anything should happen to them on my computer.

#59 Spend the whole day in my PJs – This was a pretty easy one, I admit. Lately things have been stressful for me. I’ve had a lot on my mind, and my agoraphobia has been acting up (fear of places and situations that I can’t easily escape from). A good friend of mine was hospitalized and it sent my mind into over drive and I started worrying about every single little thing. While my medication has done wonders in terms of preventing panic attacks to the extent that I was having them previously, it has not completely solved my issues and I have slowly been coming to grips with the fact that perhaps this is simply who I am, and how I will be from now on. There are worse ways to be I suppose, and it IS better then having a panic attack every time I step outside my door. There’s room for improvement from my perspective though.

Taking iron supplements still sucks, and my pills still make me pretty sick. I have good days and bad, but I am still convinced that it’s better then having the panic attacks themselves. It’s an odd disability to have (and when it comes right down to it, that’s what it is, a disability that prevents me from interacting on a ‘normal’ front) but I’m coping with it and I’m quite proud of myself if all must be told.

Things are not perfect, but they’re going ok which is all I ever ask for.

HUGS!

As an update to my 101 in 1001 days, I’ve marked a few as ’started’ and wanted to share them.

#9 Write in my journal once a week – this is started, but it’s hard to say when it’s ‘complete’ since I didn’t really set a date for it. I suppose at the end of the 1001!

#10 Watch 15 new movies – this weekend I watched “New Moon” which was actually better then I thought it would be. I had never read any of the Twilight series before, so I also went to the book store and picked up Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn.

#41 Comment on more peoples blogs – I actually started doing this a little before Christmas, and I have ever intention of keeping it up for those sites I check out every day. They deserve to have their writing recognized!

#79 Keep a blog updated about my progress – Well, that’s easy enough, you’re reading it now.

#85 Exchange 10 post cards through PostCrossing – I’ve signed up, and have my first person already. I just need to finish off their post card (I’m making it by hand) and send it out. I’m excited, even though my first post card is only going to the US. It’s still pretty neat. I’ve always loved getting mail from all over the world.

#86 No swearing for a whole month – This is an easy one for me, I don’t really ever swear. Now I’m just trying harder.

As I begin more things and complete them, I’ll be writing about them here. I’m excited about it, it feels good to be motivated to be a better healthier person. My own personal goal is to complete at least 75% of my list. We’ll see how that goes.

On the 31st of December, I sat down and finished writing out my list of 101 things in 1001 days. You can see the full list over on the Day Zero project web page. I’m pretty proud of myself for not only finding 101 things to complete, but for actively thinking and listing them all out. It’s an ongoing project (of course) to better motivate and inspire myself. None of the things listed are THAT impressive, but they’re little personal things to me.

I’ll be writing about my experiences (which also works on the writing front) which probably won’t be entertaining to anyone else besides myself, but that’s ok. It’s not supposed to be about anyone else after all.

In order to make sure that these items are on the forefront of my mind, I’m going to print out a copy and keep it at my desk, to read over when I’m looking for inspiration or at a loss for things to do. I’m really hoping to inspire at least one other person to start their own 101 list, but we’ll see how that goes.

Today is the first ‘real’ day back at work after two weeks of vacation (a little longer for me) and I’m excited about getting some progress made. It’s a good feeling, to be motivated and inspired. I hope it keeps up.

Christmas is just wrapping up, and I couldn’t be happier. It was a nice time at home with friends and family, and with the significant other as well. Maybe too many turkey dinners (yes, there IS such thing) but a good time was still had by all.

Santa was pretty good to me this year, I got a Tassimo coffee maker (which reads bar codes off of discs and makes everything from coffee to cappuccino to hot chocolate and latte), some new glasses (Heavy tall ones that I can fit my hand into when I wash them rather then the ones I keep dropping on the floor and smashing), I also got a lot of jewelery from my Mom, some Pandora’s bracelets, which include interchangeable beads that you can buy online, and a set of jasper, earrings and a necklace. She also made me an absolutely beautiful picture set from a cross stitch to hang on my walls. Thomas gave me a 300mm zoom lens for my camera, which I was absolutely astounded to get, and am really looking forward to the next full moon so I can take some incredible shots.

I got some random odds and ends (books, bath items, etc) and then as a to-me-from-me gift I decided to splurge, and picked myself up a 32 gig ipod touch from Ebay (factory sealed, 3rd generation) for $280 including shipping. I was pretty pleased with that purchase. I’ve wanted one for a while, but couldn’t really justify the cost. I saved up my “fun money” for a few months (money I don’t have dedicated to rent and bills) and was able to purchase it guilt free. I’m VERY excited about getting it, I should have it in three days or so. I’ve never owned one before, but Mom and my youngest brother each have one. Now I just need to see which applications I want.*squeels*

Everyone seemed to love their gifts that I gave them, and I was super happy about that. Each year I try to make sure the gifts have emotion behind them, a reason that I’m giving them out. I don’t always succeed (some times it’s nice to just get frivolous things) but I do make an effort at least.

Health wise, things have been going pretty well. I’m on iron supplements for my very low iron count which really sucks. The pills are hard to digest, and I get pretty nauseous from taking them. My anxiety pills are doing their job, which is incredible. I’ve been taking them for two months now and haven’t had a single panic attack. I was having them on almost a daily occurrence for the past two years, and off and on for the last five. It was certainly no way to live. I was diagnosed (as I mentioned in my previous post) with agoraphobia which is a fear of places and situations that I can’t easily escape from. Car rides have been MUCH better now, I was so bad before that I was (literally) getting sick every time I was in the car. Now I can handle it just fine. I can’t express the amount of freedom that finally gives me, and there’s absolutely no shame in it.

I’m feeling confident for the new year, and I’m excited about it. Life’s finally back on track and that means so much to me. Family is of course number one priority for me, and always will be.

I hope everyone else had a fantastic holiday, and got everything they wanted from Santa. Love always!